Girl You Know It's True

Hello out there in Blogger World! Nice to see some of you, others I worry about. It has been awhile I know, unfortunately my lottery wishes never came though, and my money tree withered and died, so I must work to pay the bills. I thought for a bit that my funny mojo had been stolen by a few conspirators, then I realized it didn’t, I’m just an old fuddy duddy now.  I was beginning to think I’d never make you laugh again, until I got the letter of a lifetime.

I was sitting here working my fingers to the bone, when I noticed I had a new email. I ignored it for a bit, figuring it was just someone else telling me I had penile dysfunction or needed breast implants again. Then I finally go for it, reading the subject line “You Know It’s True” and it was from a Chris *******.  Of course at this point I got Milli Vanilli stuck in my head, but went on and opened it.

I don’t know if I told you lately but I adore you. You make me so happy simply saying hello like you do. That whole “heya” is very sexy as you know, almost as sexy as your eyes. I know you’ve had problems lately with your weight, but really it’s all in your head. I love you better now as you are than when you were a stick figure. I was scared sometimes I might break a bone or two when we were having sex ya know.  I’m sorry I made you feel bad about your haircut, I didn’t mean to make you cry about it. It was a shock and I didn’t mean to call you butch I meant your haircut was butch.  You make me laugh and I made you cry. Doesn’t seem much of a trade-off does it? I really am sorry and I hope you enjoyed the flowers even if you didn’t like the nightie. I was just showing you that you are sexy enough for it, not saying I wanted sex. Well I want the sex too but not just that. I hope you take my words to heart and can forgive me, I may not say it or show it in the right ways but I do love you with all my heart. Love Chris.

Well of course at this point I realize I just got some poor females “apology” letter. Now, I could have just deleted it. I could have. I of course chose to reply back.

Dear Chris- First off let me say you are very lucky you sent this letter to the wrong woman. Because if I was the correct woman, you’d be shown the curb and I’d be showing that nightie to some other man. You called her haircut butch? Really? Were you trying to never get laid again? Then you buy her a nightie as an apology? Come on. Your letter is even more target for female abuse and ammo for later. Here’s what your letter should say: I’m an asshole and I apologize for every little dig, snicker, and mean thing I’ve said”. End of story. Then cross your fingers and pray she forgives you.

P.S. Anytime you feel the need to send her another letter, I’d be glad to proofread for you. I get enjoyment for pretending you were complimenting me for those 5 minutes.

So I thought that would be the end of it. But behold! Chris wrote back.

Dear whomever I just embarrassed myself to: Now I feel an even bigger ass. How did this happen? And did you mean you got off on my letter? Okay. Well I appreciate the advice I’m not an asshole I’m just a man. A man who loved his girlfriends long hair and she chopped it off. I didn’t like it and didn’t have time to pretend I did. I think I might buy a Hallmark card and use your line. Thanks again.

Dear Chris- You are very welcome, I appreciate any chance to be snarky. No, I’m sorry I did not get off on your letter, there wasn’t enough detail and imagery to get off to. As for the hair, get over it and start practicing in the mirror your blank smile face to use in any situation where you have no idea how to act. Remember to just nod and smile, nod and smile. Get the Hallmark and feel free to use my advice. Another thing to remember, just as you’re not an asshole just a man, your girlfriend isn’t a bitch she’s just a woman.

So a few hours go by and no more responses until about a little bit ago:

Dear Bitch  I don’t know who you are to be giving my man advice but knock it the fuck off. He’s a good man and I’ve worked damned hard to keep him from man stealing bitches like you. He doesnt’ need the advice of some fat crazy chick online who’s desperate for attention. Back the fuck off!!!!!!!!

Well now she did it. Apparently butch has some insecurity issues.

Dear Insecure Immature Ignorant Female- You don’t know who I am? I’m the female your man will turn to when your ignorance and insecurity wears off on him. I’m the female who will be waiting in the dark willing to put on the nightie, give him the ride of a lifetime, get up, grab him a cup of coffee and light him a smoke. I’m the female he’ll turn to when he needs a laugh and then some because you’re too busy whining about gifts not being good enough. I’m the female who got the humor in a letter sent to a wrong person and had an adult human conversation just because. I’m the female who is secure in my body image and has no need for attention, I can give it to myself. I’m also the female who didn’t just break into my boyfriends email to spy on him. Have a nice day.

No response back yet, I’m sure they’re too busy fighting. But hey, I got my chuckles of the day and I hope you did too!

• Posted in: Internet Fails
• Tagged: cat fight, I love bitches, mistaken identity, oops I did it again